In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the Lord establishes their steps.
Before I left Korea a couple of months ago, I had a conversation with one of my volleyball girls about how I was really praying that the Lord would keep me grounded and focused during my time home this summer. Since I have been living in Korea, I have always been super excited for the next time that I get to go back home to Washington/Arizona, but when I get there it’s this overwhelming feeling of out-of-controlness (not a word?) because I am trying too hard to control. I never really knew how to explain the feeling until I was at a service at a church we go to in downtown Portland, and the speaker was talking about how alot of people he has met around the world who virtually have nothing, have experienced and share with others the joy of the Lord and just the peace that goes along with it more than anyone else he’s ever met. And it made so much sense because he was saying that we are constantly discontent in our culture because we never have enough…whether it’s people, things, money, whatever…yet we can’t wrap our minds around the fact that we already have all that we need.
I don’t want to sound corny because I know this is kind of a cliche thought, but after living abroad for a couple of years now, it gives that idea a whole new meaning. I’ve also realized that not only do I feel discontent and this massive motivation to control every aspect of my life when I come home, but I’ve felt that way for my entire life. When I come back, I always have a giant agenda in my head weeks before I leave Korea that includes what I’m going to buy, where I’m going to go, who I’m going to see, where I’m going to eat…and it goes on and on and on. Not that it’s all bad because the point of coming back in the first place is to see the people I have missed for months on end and to live life with them for a short time by going and doing the things we enjoy! Nothing wrong with that in the least. But the way I operate is to make sure that everything goes PERFECTLY for everyone involved…but mostly for myself. I want to feel at the end of that trip like I left my life in America in perfect order. The kicker though is that I’m imperfect, in the way that I treat my family and friends, the way I choose to spend my time and money, and ultimately in the time that I set aside for the Lord.
So my volleyball player I mentioned earlier is one of the most unbelievable young women I’ve ever met and is someone that has challenged me in my faith consistently throughout the last 2 years. This summer we’ve tried to keep each other accountable as she is still in Korea and getting ready to go to college in America, and I’m in America getting ready to leave again for Korea. We’re both leaving our comfort zones and our lives back home preparing for a new adventure in a place that isn’t as easy and comfortable. It seems like it would be way easier to take the reins and try to control my life here so that when I leave every relationship and aspect of it is in perfect order, but I’ve realized that only causes a mess. I am a mess! So I’m learning to trust the Lord in my time here and in my time away, that His hand is in every aspect of my life whether I’m in Asia or North America and that it’s all perfectly knit together for His glory. Surrender is the hardest thing. Ever.